


A Truly Terrible Decision

by JustBeforeTheDawn



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: 4x17, AU, Archie Andrews & Betty Cooper Friendship, Betty Cooper Deserves Better, Crack, F/M, Jughead Jones Deserves Better, Meta, Silly, Veronica Lodge Deserves Better, seriously i'm gonna take the piss, we the audience deserve better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:14:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23877529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustBeforeTheDawn/pseuds/JustBeforeTheDawn
Summary: betty and archie encounter the scariest villain riverdale's ever facedEDIT: LLLOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLL
Relationships: Archie Andrews/Veronica Lodge, Betty Cooper/Jughead Jones
Comments: 73
Kudos: 45





	A Truly Terrible Decision

**Author's Note:**

> felt petty, might delete

Betty and Archie are both in his garage.

"I had a fight with Veronica," says Archie, "because I let her dad work out, even though I knew he was ill, and then he had to go to hospital and Veronica says that was irresponsible."

"It is irresponsible, Arch," says Betty sympathetically. "Veronica is totally justified and you should apologise to her, not the other way round. It's really weird that everyone is letting you, a seventeen or eighteen-year-old run a gym in the first place, actually. Seems like there should be more oversight and staff and training, especially since Munroe left. But it's probably better for him in the long run, since Riverdale is terrible and can be kind of racist."

"Gee, Betty, you're in a bad mood."

"Well, I had a fight with Jughead over homework, and it blew up into a huge thing over virtually nothing. Honestly, I think he's traumatised, except he's been through way worse and it feels like the people here only acknowledge trauma when it serves their purposes. They sure didn't care about you being molested by a sexual predator, or Cheryl's never-ending trauma conga-line, or mine, or that time YOU nearly died."

"Hey," says Archie defensively. "I was alcoholic for like ten minutes."

"Yes, but then you got a new girlfriend, and that solved it." Betty sighs. "I feel like someone expects me to be really resentful of Jughead now, but everything else I've ever done in three and half years tells me I should be sympathetic to him and try to help him with his problems, instead of making a rash and deeply uncharacteristic decision."

"Wow, Betty, those are some long words," says Archie thoughtfully. "You know that we once mentioned that you tutored me, and even though we've barely interacted for this year, it means that we have a deep and profound connection, even if there's been no actual evidence for it."

"Deep and profound," agrees Betty. "I heard that regressing to your childhood crush is 'uplifting' and 'fun', rather than sad and depressing and contradictory to both of our characters."

"Not mine so much!" says Archie cheerfully.

Suddenly, a middle-aged white man leaps in through the door. (He is not a deus ex-machina because I am a really good writer and if I tell you I am a really good writer you should just accept it and if you don't you're toxic, okay?) 

"You should kiss!" he shouts enthusiastically. "It will be really good for you!"

"Uh," says Archie.

"No, thank you," says Betty. "I always thought talking through my problems with my boyfriend and not splitting up or having drama like a nineties teen show was part of what I found appealing about my relationship, actually."

"Well, you're wrong because I say so," says the middle-aged man. The man was very clever and very good and possibly also handsome and all the women fell at his feet, including the lesbians and the women who were happy in their relationships.

"Oh," says Betty. "Well, since I spent the last year only ever growing closer to Jughead, spending time almost exclusively with him, and defending him literally to the death while he did the same for me, I'd still prefer not to. I don't have a crush on Archie any more, it's been established for, like, two years, and to return to it would be incredibly retrograde and completely ruin everything I was invested in."

"You're a teenage girl," says the extremely charismatic man, who has only ever written masterpieces and knows everything there is to know about everything. "You don't know anything. Randomly cheating on your boyfriend for no apparent reason other than because I told you to will be really great and compelling. Anyway, what do teenage girls know about what teenage girls like? No. I know much better so stop being toxic. Archie is great so you should suddenly catch feelings for him through a fake kiss. It is very romantic and not at all coercive; Hitchcock did it and he was never, ever weird about the women in his films."

"No, thank you," says Betty again.

"Well, you should, and Archie here agrees with me, don't you Archie?"

"Not really," mumbles Archie reluctantly.

"What?!"

"Well," says Archie, "while I'm naïve and often hyper-violent-"

"But you're the best person ever to have lived!" wails the middle-aged man. He is a lot like Archie who is really great.

"Not really," says Archie, his posture straightening. "A lot of my decisions have made everyone in Riverdale's lives much worse, actually. But anyway, even though I am completely irresistible to every single woman, ever, I haven't ever actually cheated on any of my girlfriends, and I don't think it's a very nice thing to do. Even back in sophomore year when I wasn't yet with Veronica and Betty and Jughead weren't quite as married as they are now, when I was jealous about Betty, I clearly made a conscious decision not to pursue her, because it was the right thing to do." 

"But she had a crush on you, it was all foreshadowed!"

"In, like, three weeks at the beginning of sophomore year, and then almost never again," replies Archie, confused. "We've both been super-happy in our relationships throughout senior year. Why would we make such a nasty decision to compromise that now?"

"And even though we never hang out, we're apparently best friends with each other's partners," adds Betty, looking increasingly irritated. "Why wouldn't we consider their feelings, instead of being randomly selfish?"

"Your friendships are so good, we don't need to offer proof that they exist, because we couldn't be bothered to include them," says the perfect and interesting man with no flaws, scuffing his foot on the floor.

"Well," says Betty. "I'm not sure that's how humans work."

"But, but," the man says, pleading one last time, "Archie is so great and handsome and interesting, why don't you want to be with him? I want- I mean, look at his abs! And people have repeatedly said what a great person he is, even though there's often no evidence of that."

"Bro," says Archie sadly. "I think you should realise, I'm actually kind of boring, and Betty and I have almost nothing in common. It's a much sweeter narrative for me to be the kind and understanding partner to the ambitious, interesting, calculating Veronica, who I bring down to earth when she gets too involved with schemes, okay?"

"But you can't want to end up with Veronica! She likes sex too much, and is a woman of colour who has her own ambitions and plans! No hero should end up with a woman like that, why can't you find a nice white girl like Betty to have a WASP-y marriage with? And before you say that has dodgy racist and misogynist implications, remember that you are wrong because I've told you that you are wrong. Veronica has her own very important and not at all repetitive plotlines about how all Latino people are either poor or in the Mafia or make rum. I definitely care about her and her character, and if you say I don't I'll show you a picture of her with some generic compliments. Anyway, Archie, Betty should only have sex with you, and you should forget the other girl, Virginia or whatever, she likes sex too much."

"I like sex," says Betty angrily. "There've been jokes about how much I like sex and what a terrible thing that is for nearly three years."

"Yes, well, you should have preserved your virginity for Archie," says the very clever man who is actually a feminist for wanting to see a love triangle from the 1940s. "There's a reason you're invariably kink-shamed or punished every time you have it. It should have been missionary sex on your wedding night with your far more experienced childhood sweetheart who you romantically waited for while he sowed his wild oats, because that's a fun and interesting and modern drama, okay? You were only allowed to have sex with Jughead so we could have lingering shots of Li- I mean, you, in your bra."

Betty stands up, indignant.

"I am going to go and have a conversation with Veronica and tell her everything that you've said, and I think she's going to be very upset," she snaps. "I will not be kissing her boyfriend, now or ever. After that, I am going to take MY boyfriend and myself to a therapist, for some help with the constant trauma that we've been put through. I may also take Cheryl, so that Toni can have a conversation with someone who is not her girlfriend. Archie, I'll see you at some point."

The very clever and wonderful man is left in the room with Archie, who looks confused. Archie is often confused.

"Do you want to take your shirt off?" says the man sadly. "Everyone wants to see the highly-muscled man. I'm sure no-one wants to see the other characters who have more meaningful emotional connections."

"Not really, bro, it feels exploitative," says Archie. "Can I ask, do you want to have sex with me, or _be_ me, or both? Because I'm getting some funny messages here."

"Not sure," says the man. "You're definitely the self-insert for my fantasies, either way."

"Ah," says Archie. "Well, we won't be sleeping together. Have you seen Kevin's plotlines? You can't exploit him having sex for the male gaze, like when we were all intimate but he and Moose got the least screentime, and you can't apparently be bothered to write stories for the supporting characters, so it's tickle porn or nothing, I'm afraid."

Archie leaves, off to do some boxing or something equally repetitive and dull.

The man sits, and cradles his head in his hands.

"The audience will love it," he whispers to himself, rocking back and forth on his heels. "They'll understand your genius. They'll love it."

Terrifyingly, on the 'Town with Pep!' sign, someone has painted IMDB SCORE: 3.6 and RATINGS: 0.2. Where Archie's Red Circle posters once flapped, negative review after negative review by professional critics have been printed out and posted on the walls by a supporting character who has very few lines but is fairly attractive.

Truly, the town with pep has encountered its most destructive force yet. It may never recover.

**Author's Note:**

> hehe
> 
> it's not really meant to be a specific person? it's just the general vibe of the writers atm
> 
> honestly if people feel this is too rude i'll delete it


End file.
